Friday, August 14, 2015

A Little Piece of My Heart: Conner's 1st Birthday

This week has kind of sucked. And not for the normal reasons of a sucky week like sleeping past the alarm clock, losing my corporate credit card somewhere in the abyss of my dirty car or stressing about media deadlines at work. Tuesday, August 11th was not only my mom’s birthday, but it was the due date for the baby that we lost. In my mind, it would have been his (or her, although we feel it was a ‘him’) 1st Birthday.

As I silently struggled through the week, I wondered if I was normal. Do other miscarriage mommies mourn like this? Am I too upset? Who can I talk to that will understand?  And then I decided that I was sad and didn’t care what anyone thought. On Tuesday, I literally couldn’t get out of bed. I was paralyzed with sadness. I then felt guilt about this sadness, because if this baby would have been born- I wouldn’t have my beautiful little Charlotte. So, my emotions are all very confusing and hollowing and lonely. 

After the miscarriage, we named the baby Conner. This week, I prayed for God to show me Conner. In Heaven, is he whole and healthy? Last night, in between getting up with my teething little Charlotte, I saw him. Conner has brown hair and chubby cheeks. He has big brown eyes like his big sister. A huge smile with two little bottom teeth. His chubby legs are just beginning to walk. We talked for awhile and couldn’t decide if he likes trains or elephants more. While this entire encounter could have been a figment of my imagination and broken heart, I choose to believe it was the beautiful gift of a few minutes with my happy baby boy.

Today, I’m glad August 11st is over. I feel joy for my beautiful daughters and joy that I am a Christian, because my faith gives me the knowledge that my son is in the very best hands. And that we will all be together one day in Heaven. I’ve decided that every year in honor of Conner’s birthday that I will do something kind for another family. This year, Conner’s birthday gift was delivering meals to my friend Hillary who is busy with her three children, including her daughter Livie who has many health struggles. I loved Conner through loving them. And it felt right. The perfect way to honor his short life.

Over the past few years, losing Conner and watching both my parents conquer cancer, I’ve learned to be a more loving, forgiving and compassionate person. I’ve learned to put my phone down and enjoy life. If you’re struggling through a tough time, please know that you’re not alone- and that there are many people to talk you through it. It’s okay to be sad sometimes.

Happy 1st Birthday, Conner! And Happy 8 Months to my Charlotte. Life is a funny thing. 

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